So I recently stumbled across a rant posting on Craigslist entitled, “Why I Didn’t Buy You a Drink”, written by a deeply frustrated man in, I believe, Salt Lake City. He explained how annoying it was when women who spoke to him for more than ten minutes in a bar expected him to buy them a drink. It was just short of two pages long (single spaced) and the eloquence and crude sarcasm of his tone was highly entertaining – just ask my co-workers, I read it to all of them! Lately, I myself am becoming more and more annoyed at the pathetic attempts of shallow flirtation passed on to me when out with my girlfriends. And I decided that maybe a good old fashioned rant would do some good (it worked for the guy in Salt Late City). So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen…
Ladies, we’ve all been there. You’re out with a girlfriend after a hard day at work. You’re really not trying to impress anyone, just catch a small buzz to settle your mind after a day full of stress. Or maybe you’re being the “wing man” to that friend – accompanying her to a certain place for support when she’s trying to flirt with that one guy you’ve been hearing about non-stop. She may be playing her hand at the single poker table of love, but not you. You’re minding your own business and sipping politely when suddenly, you awkwardly catch the eye of an unattractive and sweaty drunk guy who looks too eager to stare back at you. You quickly turn your head to make it obvious that the long gaze was merely an accident. But it’s too late. He’s now walking over, or whatever you want to call that half strut / half stumble type movement he’s projecting. Once he gets to your table, he sort of leans over and whispers with his hot nasty breath something corny and expected. Ugh. Here we go. You look at your friend with the HELP stare, but nothing can save you now. For the next ten minutes, you answer all of his surficially stated questions making sure to over-exaggerate how bored and inconvenienced you are by his approach. But he doesn’t get the hint. Maybe you’ll drop a line here and there about your boyfriend. Or maybe you’ll lean over and grab your girlfriends’ hand – to act like you aren’t even attracted to his gender. But pretending to be already taken or a lesbian is rarely a plan that works. Instead, the creep is challenged to try to win you even more. And no matter how much you’ve implied that you would rather him not stand beside your table chatting you up, he still lingers. You’ve known this was coming and it’s happening now, he wants to buy you a drink. At first you’re polite about it. “No thanks, I’m fine.” But that only works with a select few. The others try to push, “Come on, just one drink won’t hurt anyone…” You’re looking for the emergency exit. You want to grab your girlfriend and bail, no matter if you’ve closed your bar tab or not. This is where you need to break it down. Whether you hurt his feelings or not, a few things must be explained.
Why I Didn’t Let You Buy me a Drink:
1.) I don’t really drink that often and I’m small. Therefore, I have a pretty wimpy alcohol tolerance. These two Blue Moons I have already consumed are getting me pretty happy as it is. Your gift of a tequila shot or mixed drink will get me too drunk. And I’m not here to get “too drunk”, I’m here to unwind.
2.) While you probably owe me $5 in cash for the 10 minutes of my life you have wasted that I’ll never get back, if you buy me a drink you might assume that I am in debt to you. And perhaps you think a good way for me to pay that off would be hooking up with you later. This simply will not work. Even if you didn’t look like an unemployed wash-out who still sleeps in his mother’s basement, I’m a girl with integrity. And I don’t just hand out sexual favors like Valentine’s Day cards, especially in exchange for some cheap well drinks.
3.) Despite all of the above mentioned, I am in a very serious relationship. I can’t stop thinking about my boyfriend long enough for you to tell me your name. When I drop his name and title in our conversation, your reply is, “Well why isn’t he out here with you?” The answer is simple my petty new friend: he has a JOB. Unlike you, he cannot make a living as a barnacle on the side of a dive bar. Plus, this is girl’s night. And he, unlike you, knows when to give me space.
4.) The spilt margarita on your shirt and the way you’re lighting your cigarette backwards tells me this is not your first drink. Single drunk men like you spend their whole nights trying to hit on women like me, and for all the wrong reason. You should probably go home, sober up, and try online dating. Or maybe an online education. It wouldn’t hurt to try both.
5.) You’re too pushy. When I say I don’t want a freaking drink, I mean it. I’m a hard working girl who has my own cash for when I think I need a refill. You should probably save your cash anyway for child support, your phone bill, or a new wardrobe that doesn’t make you look like a homeless man.
To the men in my audience: nothing personal. I’m sure we girls have a way of being pathetically annoying at times too. But the next time you offer to buy a cute girl a drink at the bar and she negates, consider yourself lucky. At least you’re saving money and time on a girl who probably isn’t interested in you to begin with. To the ladies, if that pesky guy won’t stop offering you a drink, let him order one and give it to the bum washing windshields in the parking lot on your way out. That’s one way to let him down gently and pass on a good deed all at the same time. Maybe now’s a good time to invest in a cubic zirconia encrusted fake wedding ring. I hear you can score them from Target for around $15. It’s a small investment that could really save you from stupid moments like this.